How to Deal With Teen Bullies
By Katie Websdell author of the Life Skill Books for Teens Series
If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not! In our lives, we often look around and see bad things that some people do, and nobody seems to disapprove. We tend to naturalize attitudes and actions as harmless, but bullying is a social behavior that shouldn’t be ignored.
Bullying is such a common behaviour that, for many people, it is simply invisible. For some others, it is something that happens to everybody, and there is nothing to be done but endure and hold on. You must know that bullying isn’t okay, and there is no good reason to tolerate it.
It happens in any place and at any age. Perhaps you’re going through a bullying situation at school, the club, or even at work. You must know that there is nothing wrong with you. There are no stereotypes about bullying; it can happen to anybody, but it shouldn't happen to anyone.
Hurtful words and violence must never be accepted in any way. No matter how old you are or where you have to deal with bullying, there is always something you can do to stop it.
Why Do They Do It?
It is difficult to imagine why a person would deliberately say or take actions to cause constant hurt to another. Bullying is the intention of the bully to make the other feel helpless, weak, and less powerful. What is wrong with these people?
There are many reasons why people bully others:
● the desire to show domination among others to increase social status
● a low or complete lack of self-esteem
● anger, hard feelings, stigmatization, or frustration, with an inability to handle these emotions
● struggling with problems or social issues
● difficulty in recognizing and modifying their behavior, whether they can see it is problematic or not
● prejudices and preconceptions
● themselves victims of bullying in other situations
So, does this mean bullies aren’t evil and are just under challenging circumstances? No way! But, indeed, bullying isn’t just an impulse from a little demon speaking into the bully’s ear.
Bullies are usually being pushed for one or more of those reasons. However, some do it for fun or because they find it easier to go along with it and get along with others in their groups. Some people simply don’t notice the harm they can cause.
In other cases, bullying is related to lifelong issues such as violence, health problems, or abuse. The bully is a victim in other situations and tries to strike back.
Even though it can be considered an individual action, we should see that it has a social background. Many times children and some adults might be aggressive toward others because they need to belong and be accepted.
Besides, sometimes bullying stems from social prejudices and preconceptions. They reproduce other forms of mockery and bias from cultural and social contexts.
Recognizing the reasons never leads to justifying bullying. It is only a way to understand the phenomena and figure out how to deal with this behavior. Though some situations seem to have deep roots, every bullying situation can have its particularities. You must remember that there is always something you can do to stop it. Bullying is never about the person who is being bullied!
What Does Bullying Look Like?
Bullying can be hard to spot. You don’t need to wait until somebody puts your head into the toilet or for a group of class bullies to wait for you after class to beat you up. Many might have the wrong idea about bullying; it’s not what we see in the movies or on TV. Bullying can have more subtle methods, and that is why it might go unnoticed.
Let’s take a quick look at bullying so that you easily recognize it and take action against it.
Bullying is repeated actions against a person or a group to cause emotional or physical harm.
What they are doing isn’t just unkind treatment. It isn’t just conflict. It is bullying, and it won’t vanish on its own.
Three conditions that can help you spot bullying:
● It is intentional.
● It is repeated.
● There is power disproportion: the bullied is always in an inferior position to the bully.
Bullying is when you are constantly upset, frightened, threatened, or hurt by someone else. It is bullying when you feel you can’t leave your things on the table or in your locker because you might find them all shattered. Bullying is when you enter a room and feel like everybody is making fun of you, ignoring you, or treating you like you don’t exist.
We can recognize four types of bullying:
● Physical: probably the most evident; it includes kicking, pushing, tripping, and damaging personal property.
● Verbal: insulting, threatening, mocking, and name-calling, among others.
● Relational: exclusion, indifference, spreading rumors, talking behind someone’s back.
● Cyberbullying: using social media or technology, in general, to upset or humiliate.
Cyberbullying is one of the boldest forms of bullying, particularly among children, teenagers, and adults. Social media is where you might spend a lot of your time, and your whole social life and public image are there, making it a perfect target for bullies. It is one of the toughest because it can significantly impact and leave no trace. Messages and photos can be easily spread and quickly disappear, leaving little or no evidence.
Bullying can adopt different shapes, but it always takes an emotional toll on the bullied person. Don’t sweep it under the carpet! You must not tolerate any kind of bullying ever!
Impacts of Bullying
Have you ever felt that what happened to you isn’t a big deal and it is better to quickly forget about it? Well, with no intention to freak you out, you’re wrong. Bullying can cause lasting damage if not dealt with. But it can get better. You definitely can grow confident and deal with them.
Suffering from bullying leaves short and long-term effects, especially if you’re young. Some of the most significant are:
● depression, anxiety, negative thoughts, loss of self-esteem
● feelings of shame
● health issues like eating or sleeping problems, fatigue, higher risks of illness, and physical aches
● difficulty establishing social bonds and relating to others, isolation, or avoiding school or social gatherings
● drop in attendance at school and poor academic performances
Even though bullying isn’t isolated to one age group, children and teenagers are the most likely to suffer bullying more intensely. Growing up, you usually feel insecure about many aspects of your personality. You’re also developing your skills and gaining the approval of your peers. Therefore, young people are more in danger of being bullied, with the most severe consequences if it is not stopped on time.
Take notice that bullying has an impact on both sides. Despite the victim taking the worst part of it, bullies don’t come out unscathed! As we’ve seen above, it isn’t like bullying comes from anywhere: Bullies result from specific circumstances. So, they must be considered when considering the solutions and actions to take.
Youth, today who bully, are more likely to have the following problems, among others:
● substance abuse
● poor performance at school or work, with an inability to achieve personal goals
● difficulties maintaining social relationships
● psychological disorders and deficient mental health
Bullies won’t wake up one day, as if by magic, as charming people. These children and teenagers will turn into adults with behavior disorders and, as adults, will keep those attitudes going.
Signs of Bullying
Signs of bullying aren’t always obvious, but here there are some clues:
● The person avoids or complains about specific places or circumstances, usually where bullying occurs: school, the park, a group of people.
● They lose interest, cancel favorite activities, stay alone, or always prefer to stay indoors, deviating from a regular routine.
● The person expresses bad or negative feelings and emotions: “I hate school” or “I do nothing right” are common phrases.
● They display regular signs of injury, bruises, and wounds difficult to explain.
● Some children and teenagers return home with broken or missing items and torn clothing for inexplicable reasons.
● Someone who suffers bullying may have sudden mood swings, tears, or anger seemingly without reason. This is particularly important when discussing cyberbullying since it is the most silent way it happens. The mood changes when being on the computer, cell phone, or playing video games can be the only sign to spot it.
You don’t have to be a detective to notice the signs of bullying; it is about paying attention. Asking a lot of questions may not be the best strategy. Who wants to go telling everybody how hard your life is? But, many don’t speak out and get the help they need.
Loving yourself is the first step to being loved.
What to Do
Stop asking yourself, “why me?” Bullies won’t go away because you’re afraid, sad, or don’t deserve it. Of course, you don’t, but they don’t care!
So, you can’t leave the matter in their hands. You must take the situation under your control. Grab a pen and a notebook, then write down some notes about things that will help you grow your confidence and stand up for yourself.
Here you have some tips to get you started, then you’ll make up your own.
Ask For Help
You don’t need to do it on your own. Even superheroes have a partner.
Find someone you trust: your parents, a teacher, a friend, or a colleague. Talking to others will help you realize it is not your fault and find some backup to go up against the bullies.
Use Your Body Language to Cut Off Bullies’ Power.
Bullies take advantage when they assume they can intimidate you. So if you manage to project a confident image of yourself, it will discourage them from bothering you. Your body is an effective resource; you don’t have to say a word. How you walk and stand tells a lot about you, so keep your head up and shoulders back. You’ll look—and feel—bigger and stronger. If you act with confidence, they will believe it and stay away.
Work to Find Solutions. You might wonder why you have to solve things others do wrong. Here’s a simple answer: You can’t just sit and wait; sometimes, you must make things happen. You can’t control what bullies do. You can only change your own actions. Even if it is painful to recall, think over the situations in which you’ve been bullied. Try to figure out what you did and could have done differently: did you shout or walk away? Then, write down some ideas about what you could have done instead. Sharing those ideas with a person you trust may help you realize if they’d work!
How do you expect others to value and respect you if you don’t do it first?
Find Out All About Yourself
Who are you? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What do you like the most about yourself? What are the things you’re good at? You probably don’t think about all this very often. How do you expect others to value and respect you if you don’t do it first? Make a list, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself who you are and how prized you are. This will increase your self-esteem and make you feel more powerful. Loving yourself is the first step to being loved.
You Are Stronger Than You Know
Pretending it is not happening won’t make it go away. If you’re suffering from bullying, there are two things you need to know: First, there is nothing wrong with you; second, it is you who can and must do the right thing. And that is to stand up for yourself. You have the strength and the power to do it and make all your bullies step back.
At first, you’re going to be scared. It will seem like it makes no sense, and the bullies will come back at you even harder. Just give yourself some time. Maybe changes don’t show up immediately, but, in the end, you will discover the powerful, incredible person you are. Then, everybody around you has no choice but to admire and respect you.
Each day, take a small goal and go for it. You might not have realized how brave and strong you are, but you will!
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Katie x
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